Tag Archives: #neveragain

Stress & Other Drugs

I get really quiet when I’m going through something. Usually when my physical pain is climbing or my stress levels are raised…..or life starts kicking back, I’ll write less. I don’t even journal as much as I know I should. Writing creates a pathway for me to find my way through the pain…..well, most of the time. I know I should write more, but I guess it’s a defense mechanism not to. But the positive side is when I do start writing again, I know I’m finding my way back.

The last week in particular has been pretty stressful. My SO is on some crazy business trip to somewhere to do something. The details are fuzzy and the leaving was mostly just 24 hours of whattheactualfuck, and then he was on a plane. I have a pretty general idea of where he is and when he could return, but in the interim, I’m dealing with all of….well, this…..by myself.

The Parkland shooting happened on February 14 (as most of us know). What you may not know is that by February 16, we saw two boys arrested for threatening to shoot up my daughter’s school. On the heel of these incidents I saw my daughter, her friends, and my friend’s daughters say things like “I’m wearing my running shoes today (instead of my cute shoes) in case we have a shooting” ; “Mom, remember what I’m wearing today in case my head get blown off”; “If I hear shots I can jump out that window and run away from school property”. Yes, I heard these all said. No, they weren’t trying to be funny or smartasses. Or waaaayyy too irreverent. This is their reality. They’re scared. And now they’ve had enough. On March 14, my daughter wanted permission to participate in the walkout. Of course I said yes. They’re standing up, and speaking out. They deserve to be seen and heard.

SIX DAYS later, on March 20 there was a shooting at Great Mills High School. Every school in the county was immediately locked down, and the GMHS students were transported to LHS (my daughter’s school) to be reunified with their families. The shooting was just before 8 am, at the “other” high school, but everything about that day went sideways. LHS was safely on lockdown, but classes were moved around and schedules changed to accomodate for the 1400+ students coming to this school.

Kids from LHS were signed out by their families so they could wait with their parents for family and friends that would be coming from GMHS. It was a little busy, but it was handled with amazing ability and compassion from all of the teachers and staff, the students, and the first responders. Somehow, we made it through that day.

The next day Winter Storm Toby hit the East Coast, and my kid and I hung out at home and watched several inches of snow fall. It felt like the universe gave us a minute to breathe.

By Thursday, school started back up for LHS (Great Mills will be back April 2, after Spring Break). And on Friday I got up at 4 am to drive my kids over to meet her school’s tour bus for the Theatre Group’s planned trip to NYC for the weekend!sbc-nyc

So….to sum up my week: Monday, normal; Tuesday, school shooting; Wednesday, snowmaggedon; Thursday, 2-hour delay for school, otherwise normal day w/ play rehearsal after school, Friday, @ the school at 4:45am to meet the bus for the trip to NYC!!

Saturday: March for Our Lives Marches happening in 800+ cities in the US and around the world. I’m proud of these kids, and I’m supporting the effort 100%!

I’m dealing with a lot by myself right now, but I’m dealing! Which means trying to be protective without throwing a fuckit bag into my car and driving for my mom’s house in California. I’m dealing with it…..tearing up at the news, but trying to be strong.

Until.

Until I logged into my FB tonight while watching one of my favorite movies (Love & Other Drugs….seriously, it takes a look at life with a chronic, progressive , incurable illness, and tells us we are not alone. Watch it! 😉 )

The first post that popped up was a friend who lives here, who went through the fear and hurt this week, who has friends at GMHS, who gets what this is like going through this with your high schoolers. They might be taller than you, and (in her case) getting ready to leave for collage, but they are still your babies!

To borrow a few of her words, she wrote “From the time my children were handed to me, my purpose in life has been to make sure they are safe.” She talks about car seats, and holding their hands to cross the street……and monster spray.

That’s how far I got before I just sat down and finally cried out the week’s fear, and hurt, and anger, and uncertainty. I set down my tablet, and I just cried out everything I’ve been needing to cry out for days….maybe even weeks. I sobbed, and I allowed myself to cry however I needed to, for as long as I needed to. And then as I shlepted myself over to the powder room to get more tissues, I realized my whole face was wet, as was one of my pj pants thighs. So, I sat there, and tried to breathe and come back to center and I realized S’s post said “monster spray” and that’s what opened the gates.

I have done everything in my power to keep my babies safe. Cribs, playpens, carseats, bed rails,….and monster spray. K and D, my two oldest, are 18 months apart. So if one or the other had a scary dream, or was worried about monsters under the bed, we  created ” Monster Spray”. Pretty little pump spray bottle, looked pretty, smelled good. No monster guarantee.

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close approximation of ours

 

It took me a little bit longer, and a couple of tougher experiences (stories for another time) for me to finally have my little Bug. She’s my Rainbow Baby, and her big sister is as protective over her as any momma you ever met!

But after this week, I couldn’t scare it away with monster spray. I couldn’t shield her from it, or change it. She marched last week. She saw it happen. She’s speaking out this week from New York. She blanketed all of her social media with #ENOUGH #enoughisenough #neveragain

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I’m proud of her. I agree. NEVER AGAIN.

All of the fear and stress……..I guess I just needed to cry it out. She’s safe, we’re okay. But OH! my Marvel!!! It has been hard!

**deep, deep breath** (This is why I have “ana’laigh” tattooed on my left forearm, Gaelic for breathe.)

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Just….breathe.

And tell the people in your life you love them!! ❤ ~ xunxun

Oh Shit.

The last week has not been easy for me. I watch as the country gets torn apart from the latest massacre. The kids are going to speak to their state legislatures today, for which I am incredibly proud of them and in awe of their strength and their fight.
More are heading up into DC.

They’re not wrong. When is enough ENOUGH?!

I’ve watched the arguments and the fear spreading across the country. Family, and friends, and acquaintances, and perfect fucking strangers fighting like hell on the internet and in person. Demands for NO MORE DEATHS. Arguments for second amendment rights. The right and the left slinging nasty words at each other.

That’s not doing a damn thing and today….right now. I don’t give a fuck about the arguments anymore.

I didn’t sleep last night, and what sleep I got was punctuated by nightmares. And then I get this news today:
Students arrested for threat of mass violence.

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WJLA Washington, DC ABC News

That. IS. MY. KID’S. HIGH. SCHOOL.

That post yesterday? That fear? It’s real.

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ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Check Yourself

Like the rest of the US I have been watching the news over the past 5 or 6 days and trying to figure out what to say….or do…or think. 17 more dead. This is not okay.

I sat here this morning catching up on news and social media and I came across a friend of mine’s Facebook post about sending her daughter off to school this morning. It was just a quick blurb inviting thought by sharing that her daughter said “remember what I’m wearing in case you have to identify me.”

I had tears in my eyes and I had to catch my breath. Her daughter goes to the same high school mine does.

.

I live about 9 miles or about 15 minutes from my daughter’s high school because we live in a pretty rural county It’s middle America. (Seriously google it….”Middle Earth” pops on my zip code)
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There was an incident several years ago at this school. Yes, even all the way out here, we had a “threat”. I didn’t have any kids in the school at the time, but I watched the news coverage as reports of a handgun in a student’s backpack prompted a lockdown of the high school, the tech center, and the middle school because they are all essentially one campus. The parents could not get to their kids and gathered at the county fair grounds across the street from the school.

Tears in my eyes as I tried to imagine NOT being able to reach my child and protect them. Anybody that knows me knows I am a Mama Bear. DO NOT mess with my kid. Do not threaten my kid. Do not get between me and my kid. I will hurt you.
My oldest was in a car accident almost 2 years ago. I got the phone call and pulled up to the accident scene in less than 10 minutes. (To be fair it was about 2? 3? miles away)

But I have never forgotten what that felt like to watch these parents stuck on the other side of a 4 lane highway (I use highway loosely….main road?) unable to go get their kid in the middle of a lock down.

So when I read S’s post this morning, I stopped. Time stopped. I couldn’t breathe. Because that is a horrible truth. That is an unthinkable truth.

This has to stop. #NeverAgain

I’m watching my country, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, people I care very much about, and people I’ve never met argue over opinions, fault, policies. This is insane.

Do you get that?! This is crazy. We are supposed to be a First World Nation. We are supposed to be The American Dream. If you work hard enough you can have anything, remember that?? Milk and honey and opportunities.
But we have more gun violence, more deaths, more fear and threats than many Third World Nations. People are afraid to visit the US because they’re afraid they will be shot like in the Wild West.

But Xun….2nd Amendments? Individual rights? Who are YOU to tell me what I can and can’t do?!

To that I say, Check Your Privilege.

I thought about this a lot over the last few days. I am white, middle America, middle income, living in a house we built 3 1/2 years ago, standing in a shower in a bathroom I designed, crying this morning because time stopped for me as I thought about what to say or how to write about this. Suddenly  it was 2 years ago when I lost my sister, or 5 1/2 years ago when I lost my Dad and I was standing in the shower trying to figure out how to live in a world without them.

Because 17 funerals are being planned right now. Do you get that? 17 people that did nothing more than get up and go to work or to school last Wednesday, that didn’t know the shooter from Adam, are now gone.

BUT…

I am watching the next generation, the survivors, stand up and say NO MORE….

Emma González is amazing and brave and strong. And I am watching the news of her and the other students, the other “kids”, organizing a fight for #NeverAgain. Speeches, walk outs, marches. These kids and their community are fighting for everyone else. No more mass shootings. More deaths. No more sense acts of too many people dying in one day for what?
NO MORE.

 

Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School Students 

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I debated what to title this post. Because I’m watching the news and the debates on social media. What do you say? How do you talk about it? It’s been almost 19 years since Columbine and can you say anything has changed?

17 funerals, memorials, celebrations of life being planned. 17 people gone. 17 more gone. In an affluent suburb in Anytown, USA.

So check yourself. Check your privilege. But for the Grace of God go I.