I was a Psych major in college. Have I told you that before? Doesn’t matter…anyway, I actually switched majors from Pharmacology to Psych because I wanted to understand the human mind. All I learned is I’d make a terrible counselor. And birth order.
My point is I chose to study psychology because I knew what it felt like to be so depressed you just wanted to die. And I understood what it felt like to have a full blown panic attack in the ER. As in an ABG (arterial blood gas) being drawn mid panic attack and showing that my O2 and CO2 levels were reversed.
I went through some serious depression and (now I know it was) PTSD after a major medical crisis in 2001. I lost a child and almost died from sepsis. The I went home and slept with the lights on for 6 months and had nightmares for close to 2 years.
But none of this is talked about much. I don’t say I still have nightmares. I don’t talk about how close to suicidal I am if they suddenly cut off my meds. I don’t talk about loneliness or abandonment issues. I don’t say anything about the reason I have so many tattoos on my forearms.
Everyone I know feels a little broken sometimes. How many people do you know that feel self-doubt? Or fear or not being good enough? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Is anyone else telling you it would be okay if you did?
One of my favorite people shows it better than I can….check out Swoop. ❤
There are a lot of things we don’t say. But you’re not alone. And it’s okay if you’re not okay right now.
It’s been a rough few days, and my Dad is on my mind a lot right now because I have a thing that might or might not be a thing, but I can’t say anything because it may be a nothing, or if it’s a something I don’t know what to do with it because I can’t say the word. I’m an only child, and my Dad died 3 years ago from lung cancer, and I’ve already had to tell my mom I have a brain tumor. So I stare in the mirror and wonder what the fuck?! and try to move onto the next thing.
But sometimes I miss my Dad so much I can barely breathe. And looking at pictures of him just makes it harder to try to catch my breath because he was just here and he made all the difference, and taught me so much, and I’ll probably never go back to Hawaii now. it’s too hard.
Do you ever miss somebody, or some where, or maybe just a moment in time so much that you would give anything to be able to close your eyes and be there again? Even if it meant just standing on the sidelines and watching a moment happen. Would you do it?
I miss people, and places, and moments in time so much sometimes that I would give just about anything to be able to close my eyes and just visit that moment again.