Category Archives: blogging

What We Don’t Say….

I was a Psych major in college. Have I told you that before? Doesn’t matter…anyway, I actually switched majors from Pharmacology to Psych because I wanted to understand the human mind. All I learned is I’d make a terrible counselor. And birth order.

My point is I chose to study psychology because I knew what it felt like to be so depressed you just wanted to die. And I understood what it felt like to have a full blown panic attack in the ER. As in an ABG (arterial blood gas) being drawn mid panic attack and showing that my O2 and CO2 levels were reversed.

I went through some serious depression and (now I know it was) PTSD after a major medical crisis in 2001. I lost a child and almost died from sepsis. The I went home and slept with the lights on for 6 months and had nightmares for close to 2 years.

But none of this is talked about much. I don’t say I still have nightmares. I don’t talk about how close to suicidal I am if they suddenly cut off my meds. I don’t talk about loneliness or abandonment issues. I don’t say anything about the reason I have so many tattoos on my forearms.

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Everyone I know feels a little broken sometimes. How many people do you know that feel self-doubt? Or fear or not being good enough? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Is anyone else telling you it would be okay if you did?

One of my favorite people shows it better than I can….check out Swoop. ❤

There are a lot of things we don’t say. But you’re not alone. And it’s okay if you’re not okay right now.

Am I Being Punished for Being Sick?

I realize my last post (definitely a minute ago) was pretty dark and unhappy, but indulge me for a minute? It’s been a week. I just need to vent.

I got voluntold I needed to schedule an appointment with my PCM at the beginning of the month because the doc I have been seeing for the last few years is rotating out and to save me the frustration of waiting for the new doc to check in and get up to speed and then catching her/him up on my particular case, it’d be easier just to get my yearly check out of the way.

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So I got my labs and got the check up done. Labs were good, but doc was covering bases and wanted to make sure my brain tumor wasn’t getting any ideas about sending friends and relatives into any other body parts, so she gave me an order for a mammogram. I got that scheduled and it was done yesterday. (in other grumblings, I’m pretty sure she should have been kinder or bought me a drink….but anyway.)

In the midst of directing traffic, my pain specialists needed to reschedule my every-8-weeks check to be compliant. Okie-dokie. Reschedule me. Ain’t no thing. No, I don’t want to see the other PA, I’ll wait for the one I usually see. Yes, I know that’s an extra week. I’m used to you sending my scripts between appointments.  Same doc, same pharmacy, yes I know the fluffing rules.

But….

Scripts were due today. They called me yesterday to let me know they sent my scripts in, pick them up today. (yes. A lot of rules. I follow them. I’m over it but I still do it.)

Yes, my scripts were sent in, but they neglected to let me know they were only sending enough meds to line up with my appointment on the 27th instead of just filling the usual fluffing scripts and seeing me in 10 days.

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Yes, my scripts were sent. Yes I’m happy they’re not making me wait and I’m not without pain meds. But I feel like I’m being punished for being sick.

The American approach to chronic illness/chronic pain is growing more and more frustrating. I jump through a lot of hoops and follow a lot of rules because I haven’t felt like I have a lot of options. I have an artificial hip from hip replacement surgery at 34 because I have Congenital Hip Dysplasia that was missed until well into my late 20’s. As a result, my spine is seriously pissed off most of the time. Then, four years ago, I was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Related? Possibly, but it doesn’t really matter now. I just treat and survive the symptoms.

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I didn’t ask to be sick. I’m stable but it has taken years of going through a lot of trials and failing SSRIs, nerve pain meds, OTCs, and a bunch of other difficult options. I’ve been through anestesia 13 times in one year and I’ve lost count of how many needles they have stuck in my spine. It’s been fun.

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So….hopefully understandably I am especially frustrated today. I feel like I’m being punished every time my doctors put up another roadblock or hurdle to jump through. I’m trying, and until more recently I haven’t had a lot of options in my state. Suffer or dance, monkey.

I actually now have another option, but I have to talk to my pain specialists and get them on board or I end up failing tests they require. Here’s hoping.

*sigh* I’m off to eat ice cream and watch something that hopefully will replace frustration and hostility with just a hair more patience.

/sigh

I’ve had a shit day. I realized I have been pretty quiet as far as blogging goes lately and that pretty much because I am stable, and other than the normal day to day, there’s not very much in my life that’s worth writing down and sharing.

I mean, because Wendy ( Picnic With Ants) shared some of her story about the pain in her wrist and thumb I was able to do some reading and figure out my symptoms matched hers, but not necessarily the intensity so I have been waiting to see if it resolves on it’s own. I have an appointment with PCM DR Traffic-Director tomorrow and it’s still there just enough to be a bother, so I think I will bring it up with her tomorrow.

I also checked my labs so I knew what was going on before I see her, and found that my numbers are actually pretty good! The only discrepancy I see might mean my synthroid dose just get bumped up a tiny bit, but that doesn’t actually surprise me since my thyroid disorder is autoimmune.

But none of that is related to my shit day…well, mostly. Appointment with Dr Traffic-Director was scheduled for tomorrow because 1) It’s time for my yearly physical 2) the doctor I have been seeing is active duty and getting orders to rotate out next month (if you’ve ever been in the military clinic setting for your primary care, you’ll get that) and (3) because I have been informed that the clinic is instituting a new “program” for chronic pain patients.

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As part of their new Pain Process Protocol Program (seriously how many fucking hours did you schmucks spend around a table in a boardroom to come up with that one?!?!) I have been “issued” a prescription for Narcan, I get a new case worker (oh goody.), and I have to check in with my primary care doc every 90 days.
1. Yeah….that prescription ain’t gonna be picked up.
2.My “primary care” is a joke, they rotate out every 3 years. We retired here. I’ve been with my  same pain specialist for over 6 years and I already follow all their rules and jump through their hoops (new contract at the beginning of the year, random urine screenings, seeing them every 8 weeks, fill all my scripts at the same pharmacy, I am only given 30 days of meds at a time, so my meds have to be refilled every 29 days….
I am stable, compliant, and my doses haven’t been changed in several years.

So fuck you guys and your Narcan, and your 90 days, and your case worker.

You’re about 6 years too late. I have been with the same pain specialists for over SIX years. And allll those things we get told to do before or instead of pain meds; I DID THEM.
Every formula of the SSRIs, SSNRIs, and SNRIs out there; acupressure, acupuncture; Reiki, Biofeedback, physical therapy, “gentle exercise”, occupational therapy, yoga, talking to at least 2 shrinks, trigger point injections; massage therapy; Lyrica, Neurontin, ….you name it, I tried it. I had to trial and fail every other option before I got any narcotic pain meds. It was not easy. It was probably a 5 year process. I also even underwent light anesthesia (propofol) 13 times in one year for spinal injections and a rhizotomy.

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NOW, six years later, when I am stable and compliant, and my only “risk factor” is that I take narcotic pain meds; you fools want to stick your nose in. My primary care is just a traffic director….issuing referrals. My case is difficult and complex, and the people that I see the most (pain doc & neurologist) KNOW me. They know me and my case.

I did not accept the “script” for Narcan, I didn’t answer my phone when my “case Manager” called. Go away. And take you stupid PPP Program with you.

4 Years

Four years ago, within 30 days…
We signed the contract to have my house built, my dog died, and I was diagnosed with what ended up being an inoperable brain tumor.

I’m now sitting in the house I designed and we have just painted the downstairs bathroom, put new curtains up in the office, and gotten new (to us) living room furniture! Three years into living in said house, we’ve been slowly working our way through painting rooms, and fixing up stuff that we’ve shlepped around from duty station to duty station. This summer we’re planning on painting my daughter’s room and the spare room, and painting her desk as we move some of the furniture around upstairs.

My puppers is on my mantle in her pretty little oak urn with her collar around it, and someday we’ll plant her ashes into a tree in the yard.

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And my tumor is still there, still inoperable, and still the same size and shape. It’s still a journey, but I am mostly stable.


I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, then set it aside for the Great-FreakTHEEFFOUTTTTT of 2018 when my pharmacy miscounted my long acting pain meds and I freaked the FUCK out because I had visions of the pharmacy to tell me to figure it out, my pain docs to tell me to keep better track of my scripts, and no pain meds = no Xun. It wasn’t a  great 12 hours and I realized how close I am to the line of not deciding to live in chronic pain.

It was solved quickly and relatively easily….moving on….

I’ve been thinking about how much I blog. It’s not as often right now. I started a blog back in 2009ish? It’s gone through some changes and at least one major move from one platform to another. The last four years have focused more on the tumor near my brain stem. It’s ….. stable? Mostly. The tumor is the same size and shape as far as we know. But the effects of said tumor have progressed. I have dysphasia, confirmed via swallow study. (kind of a weird thing to go through) Aphasia when I completely lose words in the middle of sentences. Those may be connected to absence seizures. But I find I forget names of things, people, places….it’s easily the most frustrating thing about my current existence. (I spend a lot of time muttering to myself “I’m a frickin *writer*, I NEED words!!”)

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I’m rambling but basically it’s just thoughts about where I’m at right now. I’m medically stable. No more turning my life upside down and moving every year. No more waiting for orders or duty stations. I don’t fight with…well, anybody anymore. There’s just not the fight in me.

Right now, my life is my kid’s school and theatre group keeping me busy, and now that she’s on summer break, I’m just juggling house, kitties, her activities, and my mother coming for 10 days. My doctor appointments pick back up next month. I had a nerve study done of my left arm because I was having pain in my ulnar nerve and numb spots on the back on my hand, my index finger, and my thumb. In the ENS they tested motor nerves and there’s something going on in my forearm, so I asked them to send the report to my neurologist and I see her again July 30th.

Right now, my life is fairly stable. June 23rd was the 6th anniversary of my Dad’s passing.

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My kid keeps me busy. I probably don’t blog more often because I don’t think I’m very exciting right now.

But I did have a really vivid dream the other night that I’m thinking about writing about. It made me miss someone…..but it would be a great movie…

 

Crisis Mode

I actually have been working on another draft about life, the universe, and everything as I come up on four years since I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, but last night I had a melt down and went into crisis mode.

I see my pain specialist more than any of my other doctors and because I live in a state that is making progress, but still leaves a lot of room to be desired on the part of chronic pain patients, I get my scripts filled every 28-30 days. I have five scripts that have to be filled every month and another three that get filled every three months (muscle relaxers, synthroid, etc). Of the five, I have three that *must* be filled every 29 days (give or take a day).

I follow all of the rules. I sign my “contract” every year. I jump through all the damn hoops pain patients have to fluffing follow. I accept that the doctors, the pharmacists, and my insurance all fluffing track me. I have had the same pain doctors for over 6 years. I had the same pharmacy until last year when insurance made the choice to kick CVS out of our plan, so I went back to Walgreens. I live in a fairly small town, so I see the same people every month.

I follow all the damn fluffing rules!!

So, when I went to get my nighttime doses of my meds last night and realized I do NOT have the number of long acting pain pills I should have I panicked!

I don’t know why I didn’t notice sooner, but I last filled my scripts about 10 days ago, so I was missing about 2 weeks worth of pain meds. I freaked the **** out. If you know what it’s like trying to fill a schedule II script, you understand the fear that comes with not having your meds or being able to account for it. The rules are: we don’t give a fluff if you lost them, flushed them, or had them stolen. YOU are responsible for your scripts and your meds, so buckle up.

The one fear my husband has is not that I’ll have a seizure halfway down the stairs and the cats don’t know CPR, or that I’ll forget where I live and not be able to drive home, or even chocolate milk. (seriously, how many people almost die by chocolate milk? …..don’t answer that.)

It’s that something will happen and I won’t have my meds. Because that means withdrawal, and we both know I ain’t surviving that. Judge me, but my pain scripts mean I can be a “theatre mom” for my youngest. Or clean my house. Or get the grocery shopping done. It means my husband can work, and travel when he needs to, and I can run my house and be a grown up.

But suddenly, I did not have the ability to survive until my next script would be filled. I collapsed in fear. I didn’t even cry myself to sleep as I tried to figure out what to do. I just sat there in terrified silence, contemplating ….well crisis mode.

Fortunately my husband figured out that he needed to go talk to the pharmacy because  if their pill count was off I could prove my script had not been filled properly.  He was at the pharmacy this morning when they opened and went over everything with the pharmacist. They checked my file, checked their pill count, and discovered they were “over” as many pills as I was missing. It ended up being a relatively easy fix with a lot of apologies from the pharmacist, and the whole thing was over within 12 hours.

This is the world I live in. This is why I jump through the hoops, and follow the stupid rules. So that in the event something like this happens, I can show that I am a good and cooperative patient. Today I’m still feeling a little fragile, and my wrists are a little sore from being in a dark place. (No, I didn’t actually hurt myself. But I was definitely in crisis.)

I live in a very small box, with a lot of rules, and not a lot of room to fight back. This is the reality of being a chronic pain patient in the US right now.

Even More Updates!!

April was nuts. I’m still trying to remember all the things and the stuff and the sharing…

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I live off my desk calendar

Rehearsals, a concert, prom, tech week….

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P!nk was amay.ZING!! And worth every penny for the not-exactly inexpensive tickets! Seeing her was bucket list stuff!

Four weeks of rehearsals for the kid because her school was (is …we have 2 more shows this weekend, and I’m finishing the editing of this post on Saturday afternoon) performing Anything Goes.

 

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Rehearsals were 4-5 days a week, weekends were set builds, and one weekend was a dance intensive workshop to work on choreography. The kids have worked their butts off and it shows! They have put together an incredible show!

We got through the ….um, “stupid” business trip and my husband got back on April 4th. We jumped right into April insanity; meaning 5-6 days a week of rehearsals, me interrupting rehearsals on April 17th to drive up to DC to see my favorite show EVAR, prom on April 21, and then right into tech week. “Tech week” means full dress rehearsals and long days the last week of April. I volunteered food and serving the cast and crew, the band, the faculty, and the parents and volunteers two out of the three days.

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Social Xunnie ; being helpful & feeding teenagers Photo: Ramon Tuazon

Watching how many parents and teachers step up and volunteer to support the show is inspiring. They’re working HARD.

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Seriously, I live and die by my desk calendar. Tech week

In the middle of tech week, we HAD to get tickets to squeeze in seeing Infinity War because we’re a household of hopeless geeks and I flat out told my kid I have to see it or stay off the internet until we do! Fortunately, we we able to find tickets for an 8 pm showing on Thursday night. (& we squeezed in a matinee on Saturday)

No spoilers. Don’t @ me. I’ve seen it twice so far. I won’t ruin anything for anyone else. 😉
But we will be seeing it again. Apparently we’re masochists.

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spoiler free commentary

Finally Friday, April 27 was opening night!

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I am so proud of these kids. And I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for the teachers, staff, directors, and parent volunteers giving up all the time and work for this production. The kids have worked so hard and *my* kid is ecstatic about the chance to perform and all the support.  This is me gushing because this is a new chapter for my youngest and it’s awesome to see her doing the next thing and loving the experience and support she gets.

We’re closing out a long and busy couple of months. One three-week-long business trip, one snowstorm, 4+ weeks of rehearsals, three gun incidences in our schools, one trip to New York, one P!nk concert, six high school musical performances, and one blood draw (yesterday) for new Cobalt and Chromium levels for my ortho surgeon when I see him again in just over 2 weeks.

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Gentle hugs, a couple of deep breaths, and and 2000 words later it’s time to move forward. May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month! #gogreyinmay

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❤ ~ Xun

 

Quotations, quotations!

I don’t participate in many challenges. I’ve gotten a couple of shout-outs and met some incredible people through running my blog for the last *cough* years, but I haven’t really been structured enough to post regularly or get involved in group projects. I write like I live: a mom of 3, retired-Navy wife, creative mess (with a brain tumor). There’s maybe a little structure or predictability, but you have to look for it. And I do better on my Facebook Page.

But when I saw Wendy share her Quotation Challenge, I thought I’d jump in the pool too. Wendy’s a pretty awesome chick with an incredible story and I’m happy to share a little cyberspace with her!

Here’s how this works:

1. Thank the person that nominated you.
(Wendy, thank you for sharing such a cool challenge!)

2. Write one quote each day for three consecutive days (3 quotes total).
(Imma do all 3 at once, but please feel free to share 3 posts, or just jump in too!)

3. Explain why the quote is meaningful for you.

4. Nominate three bloggers each day to participate in the challenge.
(Kara, Sheldon, Bee, Tiara, Laura, ….just a few people that come to mind)

Wendy did all three of her quotes in one day and in the midst of everything I’m juggling right now, I think I’ll do that too!

Here are just a few of my favorite quotes. (I love words and I could do this all day)

Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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You don’t have to know me well to know a couple of things: music is air to me, and I’m a dancer. The body doesn’t cooperate very well anymore, but the soul still dances. I do a “Music Monday” post on my FB page because they’ve shown that music reduces pain and I love music. All music. Seriously, if you see my playlists in my phone, you wonder how many people share my music apps because I go from P!nk to Bleachers to In This Moment to Queen, Bowie, Hellyeah, Skylar Grey, Apocalypica, Eminem, Fleetwood Mac, to Andra Day. I’m not even sure that covers the breadth of all the music I listen to. But my text notification is DMX and my ringtone is Led Zeppelin right now so…yeah. Music = air.

 

 

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and good with ketchup.

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aka: mind ya business.
…and I’m a dork that owns 2 full sets of “garb” and goes to Renn Fest every year. The Maryland Renaissance Festival is pretty awesome and always runs from the end of August to the third week of October and we try to go at least twice every year. Our village focuses on Henry VIII and is set around 1529. Our family loves all things Renn Fest and we’re happy to be hopeless geeks!

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Lexie: Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
Mark: It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
Alex: And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
Izzie: That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
Derek: By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Bailey: Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
Owen: So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
Meredith: The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
Arizona: The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Callie: And let it go when we can.
Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
Meredith: There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Alex: Denial.
Derek: Anger.
Bailey: Bargaining.
Lexie: Depression.
Richard: Acceptance.
Grey’s Anatomy: S6 ; E2 “Goodbye”

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Meredith Grey is my spirit animal. She and I have so much in common. She’s the stronger, smarter, badass surgeon version of me. We’re both only children, with a father that bailed to start another family. My mother is still alive and doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, but it does run in my family and when I did my genetic profile, it showed an increased risk for me. We both have three kids. And we’re both dark and twisty.

I can’t even tell you how many times I have written this entire quote out through my journals. I watch Grey’s on Netflix like comfort food for my soul. It’s my favorite place to be. And when I’m working through grief, I always seem to come back to this one.

I have a couple of people that come to mind I’d love to nominate, but I don’t want to put anybody on the spot. But if you’d like to share, please tag me. I’d love to see what makes everyone else tick. Or if you just have a quote, a mantra, a Psalm….anything that means something to you and gets you through the tough stuff (or the awesome days!) and want to just share in the comments, please do!

 

(& in other news, I have a draft for the rest of the updates I’m writing. March and April were insane!! But I promise I’m gonna close out the (overdue) updates this week.)

❤ ~ Xun

Overdue Updates; Part II

So, in the six weeks I haven’t sat down to share with the group, there’s been a lot of crazy stuff (see previous post) and a lot of really awesome stuff. And… well, really just A LOT.

I went over the big, hard stuff already (and as I’m writing this, everything hurts and I’m really sore for some bizarre reason today), but I have some insanely cool stuff to share too!

(consulting calendar & notes)…
so…in addition to the stuff that put us on the national news in the last 2 months, we’ve had a bunch of good stuff and busy stuff and…well, I’ll just try to get on with it shall I?

My youngest got the chance to go on a school trip to New York City in March! They got on the bus at beforeGodgotup o’clock on March 23…

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The theatre group spent the weekend in NYC and got to see Waitress, Hello, Dolly! and Kinky Boots! They also had a workshop on stage combat techniques, visited Central park, Times Square, and Little Italy. It was a crazy whirlwind weekend and I am so grateful that the school got to pull it off and we could send our kid to do it!

My husband was sent out of the country on a work trip in March so I was juggling school shooting news, kid trip, and a snowstorm by myself for a bit. Oh! And updates with pain doc and neuro. I’m stable (mostly) and getting blood drawn this week to check cobalt and chromium levels before I see ortho surgeon again on May 22. In the midst of the insanity of the last 2 months, at least medically I’m stable and managing.

The most interesting things lately are just the dysphasia occasionally deciding it wants to flare (but I’m learning to manage it…did you know if you tuck your chin it helps when swallowing?) and my hip pops occasionally but I haven’t fallen and I am stable when walking. My rule is “I can go far or I can go fast … pick one”.
But medically, at least, I’m not very interesting lately. For now.

The best and coolest thing this year is I got to go see P!nk!!! This was bucket-list stuff and she is one of my favorite people on the planet. I even have lyrics from one of her songs as a tattoo…

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I got to take my daughters and see her April 17th in DC…

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It was amazing and she’s incredible! She opened the show hanging from the chandelier!!

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I tried to remember the songs she did…

Get the Party Started
Beautiful Trauma
Just Like a Pill
Who Knew
Revenge (which included a giant inflatable Eminem)
Just a Girl (No Doubt cover)/Funhouse
Teen Spirit (Nirvana cover)
Secrets
Try
Just Give me a Reason
I’m Not Dead
Just like Fire

…which was INCREDIBLE!! We were close enough to feel the heat from the fire effects…

What About Us
Perfect (see previously mentioned tat)
Raise Your Glass
So What

she literally flew across the entire arena!!

and she finished with Glitter in the Air.

It was an amazing show and the best concert I’ve ever been to and how much do I love the fact that my youngest’s first concert was P!nk??!!

April has been insanely busy, 4 solid weeks of rehearsals, tech week (aka: parents bringing in food and doing set builds because the kids are working until 8 pm), the kiddo’s first major high school musical production, prom, P!nk’s concert, and the opening of Infinity War because we’re a household of Marvel geeks.

Looks like I need to actually write up a third update!

 

Check Yourself

Like the rest of the US I have been watching the news over the past 5 or 6 days and trying to figure out what to say….or do…or think. 17 more dead. This is not okay.

I sat here this morning catching up on news and social media and I came across a friend of mine’s Facebook post about sending her daughter off to school this morning. It was just a quick blurb inviting thought by sharing that her daughter said “remember what I’m wearing in case you have to identify me.”

I had tears in my eyes and I had to catch my breath. Her daughter goes to the same high school mine does.

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I live about 9 miles or about 15 minutes from my daughter’s high school because we live in a pretty rural county It’s middle America. (Seriously google it….”Middle Earth” pops on my zip code)
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There was an incident several years ago at this school. Yes, even all the way out here, we had a “threat”. I didn’t have any kids in the school at the time, but I watched the news coverage as reports of a handgun in a student’s backpack prompted a lockdown of the high school, the tech center, and the middle school because they are all essentially one campus. The parents could not get to their kids and gathered at the county fair grounds across the street from the school.

Tears in my eyes as I tried to imagine NOT being able to reach my child and protect them. Anybody that knows me knows I am a Mama Bear. DO NOT mess with my kid. Do not threaten my kid. Do not get between me and my kid. I will hurt you.
My oldest was in a car accident almost 2 years ago. I got the phone call and pulled up to the accident scene in less than 10 minutes. (To be fair it was about 2? 3? miles away)

But I have never forgotten what that felt like to watch these parents stuck on the other side of a 4 lane highway (I use highway loosely….main road?) unable to go get their kid in the middle of a lock down.

So when I read S’s post this morning, I stopped. Time stopped. I couldn’t breathe. Because that is a horrible truth. That is an unthinkable truth.

This has to stop. #NeverAgain

I’m watching my country, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, people I care very much about, and people I’ve never met argue over opinions, fault, policies. This is insane.

Do you get that?! This is crazy. We are supposed to be a First World Nation. We are supposed to be The American Dream. If you work hard enough you can have anything, remember that?? Milk and honey and opportunities.
But we have more gun violence, more deaths, more fear and threats than many Third World Nations. People are afraid to visit the US because they’re afraid they will be shot like in the Wild West.

But Xun….2nd Amendments? Individual rights? Who are YOU to tell me what I can and can’t do?!

To that I say, Check Your Privilege.

I thought about this a lot over the last few days. I am white, middle America, middle income, living in a house we built 3 1/2 years ago, standing in a shower in a bathroom I designed, crying this morning because time stopped for me as I thought about what to say or how to write about this. Suddenly  it was 2 years ago when I lost my sister, or 5 1/2 years ago when I lost my Dad and I was standing in the shower trying to figure out how to live in a world without them.

Because 17 funerals are being planned right now. Do you get that? 17 people that did nothing more than get up and go to work or to school last Wednesday, that didn’t know the shooter from Adam, are now gone.

BUT…

I am watching the next generation, the survivors, stand up and say NO MORE….

Emma González is amazing and brave and strong. And I am watching the news of her and the other students, the other “kids”, organizing a fight for #NeverAgain. Speeches, walk outs, marches. These kids and their community are fighting for everyone else. No more mass shootings. More deaths. No more sense acts of too many people dying in one day for what?
NO MORE.

 

Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School Students 

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I debated what to title this post. Because I’m watching the news and the debates on social media. What do you say? How do you talk about it? It’s been almost 19 years since Columbine and can you say anything has changed?

17 funerals, memorials, celebrations of life being planned. 17 people gone. 17 more gone. In an affluent suburb in Anytown, USA.

So check yourself. Check your privilege. But for the Grace of God go I.

 

 

7 Photos, 7 Days; Day 7!

Merry Samhain! Happy Halloween! And a good boo! to you all!

Today is my last day of my Photos From My Life series. Did you guys like anything in particular? I always think it’s interesting to see photos from someone else’s life. Where are they? What do they tend to take pictures of?

Some people take pictures of places, or things, moments, or other people so they can hide behind the lens instead of being in front of it. Some take pictures of places and people they love to remember.

As I was looking through my social media today, I counted how many of the past years I have thrown on scrubs and dressed up on Halloween as my alter ego: Meredith Grey. Since I created my personal Facebook page in 2008, I have dressed in scrubs 6 out of the last 9 years, with 2 other years as Alice (one was Evil Alice, inspired by Warehouse 13), and one year I was Sarah Sanderson. (and if you don’t know who that is, get your booootay over to Amazon and order Hocus Pocus stat!!)

This year I am dressing up as an Arkham inspired Steampunk Harley Quinn. (I’ll post pix tomorrow! The girl child is doing my make up!)

So, onward to the final Black & White Photo for my series!

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Merry Samhain! ❤ ~ Xun