The World is a Little Emptier…

The dictionary defines grief as: “Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction of loss; sharp sorrow, painful regret.” As surgeons, as scientists, we’re taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives but in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bare little resemblance to sharp sorrow. ~ Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

My world feels a little quieter, a little emptier…..there’s something missing. Johnna‘s quick, slightly snarky challenging of the CDC on Facebook with her #DearCDC, pictures of ducks on her walks in New Mexico, her pictures of butter and chocolate cake. I didn’t ever meet her in person, but I feel her absence. It’s funny how our little blog family exists. It’s the kind of support that is absent for most of us in an everyday place, but it’s something very real even if we can’t touch it.

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I usually just call them my blog buddies, but they’re close friends….some of them a branch of my family.

I’m probably not making a lot of sense to the people that didn’t spend today watching the video from Johnna’s sister or sharing memories in comments, but every time I think I can take a deep breath and set it down, I get a lump in my throat. I miss her. I remember we knew… I knew, and I’m reading that I wasn’t the only one.

Nobody heard from her after noon on January 24th,and only now are we sharing a memorial. I close my eyes, and I tell her I hope you know you were not alone, you were never alone.

We all made it through 2016, some just barely, and I feel like I’m just now catching my breath from Brenda’s loss. I feel this loss too. This hurts.

Grief sucks.

(I guess that’s the anger part of the 5 stages?)

7 responses

    1. Thank you! *hugs*

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  1. It is amazing and wonderful how our Bloggie Buddies become part of our lives, often as much or more so than the people we interact with on a daily basis. Johnna was such a special friend to so many of us. I’m grateful to have known her, and I’m not at all astonished to find myself missing the shit out of her.

    Do I know Brenda? (Kind of afraid to ask….)

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    1. Right? It’s this connection that fills a place a place we maybe didn’t know we had. Especially with chronic pain/illness.

      Brenda was my sister in law. I’ve written about her a few times. It’s a small world….

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      1. Ah. I wish there was a way to say “I’m sorry for your loss” in different words. But I mean it. It seems like there are such huge forces at work in the universe right now, all kinds of changes and fluxes. I hope we can all enjoy some peace and quiet soon, but I’m not banking on it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh no…I didn’t know her name was Johnna. I just realized when I clicked on her blog that I knew her. What happened, Xunnie?

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    1. Maybe I should edit it to include her gravitar name? Painkills2. I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right, a lot of people wouldn’t know her name, but her writing stood out 🙂
      We’re not exactly sure. Unattended death and all that. I feel like it was a heart attack, but I’ve heard she had some concerning symptoms about a month or so before she passed.

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