Ping Pong

Is “Life as a ping pong ball” too long of a title for the blog entry? Yeah, I kinda thought so, which is why it’s just “Ping Pong”.

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_filename_640

A couple of weeks ago I updated with having seen the pulmonologist who bounced me back to my neurologist, thinking the cough, choking, etc could be related to the brain tumor which happens to be hanging out on/near the left 5th cranial nerve which likes to control swallowing. So, in short, pulmonologist-doc thinks it could be neurological.

I bounced back to neurologist with this info, and after a bunch of insurance and referral bullsh…..stuff, I finally got the swallow test scheduled. Because how much fun does being put under a fluoroscope and given barium to swallow sound like?! I know…..I know…..calm down. You all can’t have allllll my fun.

effie_train

Anywho, next week (the 15th) I have the modified barium swallow test scheduled. Which, I think means they’ll try to see if they can make me choke? or something? And neurologist-doc says “I hope it’s not neurological” and if I pass? fail? prove that it’s not neuro, then I get bounced back to pulmonology.

photo-e1347589481896

It’s just been a hell of a year, hasn’t it?

2016 has been rough. For a lot of reasons, and for a lot of people. Tis the season to remind everyone that they matter, and send goodwill and cheer and all that. Please don’t think that I don’t. I’m just kind of stuck myself. By February, I began to wonder if I was going to live through the year. So many losses, so much hurt and heartache this year.

And sometimes I just get so tired of trying and fighting and this insane purgatory of ย too-much-of-this-and-not-enough-of-that. I have a brain tumor, but it’s not terminal. I’m sick, but not critical. I’m well enough that I’m expected to do most of what I did before I got sick, but I’m afforded time if I need it. I’m exhausted, but still functional. Too much of this, not enough of that. And I live in a world of a constantly changing pain scale.

In pain, but most of the time I manage.
Sick, but (usually) well enough to function.
Disabled, but (usually) capable. Sick, but not infirm. Pain, but only so much.

Life as a ping pong ball. So, yeah, occasionally I hit a wall.

My body, my mind, my heart hurt so much sometimes I can barely breathe. So I remind myself to.

331250_2464594566772_1169820373_o

Gaelic for “breathe”, on my left forearm

In a world full of hard surfaces and sharp edges, sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard through the pain. When it all feels too big, and too hard, and it hurts too much…I keep fighting.

I’m hurting, but I’m trying. I’m a ping pong ball.

4 responses

  1. Wow, this really hit the nail on the head for me. I even had my husband read the 2016 paragraph and the one after and he said “That sounds a lot like you!” It’s so nice sometimes when you can identify with another person, so thank you.๐Ÿ˜Š
    Best wishes on your swallow study…not sure which outcome is really the best one in terms of neurological vs pulmonary, but hopefully it’s the least scary of the two.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! Both for the kind words (isnt’t it amazing that we get to find kindred souls across this miles like this? ) It makes me feel less alone! And for the hope that the test turns out not as scary. At any rate, it moves towards solving this mytery and that”s a good thing! *gentle hugs*

      Liked by 2 people

  2. love your blog!!! very well written. going to read your other posts now too! I have a brain tumor also.. so started my blog. I hear every word you are saying ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! And welcome to the Xun Show! ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Seriously though, thank you for reading me. And I’m so sorry you’re on the ride now too. I’ll go check out your blog as well!

      Like

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: