Do you know….

“Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way? All it takes is one person, one patient, one moment to change your life forever. It can change your perspective, color your thinking. One moment that forces you to re-evaluate everything you think you know. Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way? Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way? “
— Cristina Yang, Grey’s S10;E17

This has been running through my head all day. I have been falling through space for weeks now, and I think it’s safe to say the first 9 weeks or so of 2016 have truly blown.

I’m still waking up, looking in the mirror every morning and thinking…

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Six weeks later I’m still trying to process everything that happened in January. I’m still working my way through grief. I’m still stuck in denial because I’m absolutely sure there must be an alternate reality somewhere without all of these dead people. Some place or time that still has Robin Williams alive, okay, and making movies. David Bowie is still making music, and Alan Rickman is still alive.

And Brenda is still alive.

This doesn’t make sense. I don’t get stuck in denial. I dive into grief like falling into a ball pit. I swim around in it and I may even bounce through all the stages of grief, but I accept that something has happened, something has changed.

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I keep falling back into “this doesn’t make sense”. And I know why, and I understand grieving. Probably better than I ever have in my life. I understand the process and the need for each stage of grief as a psych major back in college, and as someone that has lost a loved one.

A lot of loved ones actually. I understand why the risk of a divorce spikes after losing a child (two people never grieve the same way). I understand the need to process loss in order to move forward in your own life. The need to find closure, and meaning.

I get it. And I also know myself well enough to know I typically go for anger because it’s tangible. It’s active. It’s not passive, or helpless. I also know that part of what I’m trying to find my way through is because I got hit with nothing less than what could be described as the perfect storm.

Stress, loss….and it all started making me sicker and sicker.

Everyone in my life has had some major shifts in their lives in the last few months. And we’ve all just seen so many losses since the holidays. It’s like the universe hit the “discharge” button after the Winter holiday season.

So I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling like I’m falling through space. And getting sicker and sicker, until finally 3 days ago I took out my daith piercing in a last ditch effort to do something because I knew if I kept going the way I was, I would die.

Oh Xunnie….so dramatic you are!!

Maybe. But I’ve been there before. I do actually know what it feels like to know as you’re being transported by ambulance to the local trauma center that if you let go, you’ll die.

So, yes, three days later I am slowly coming back. I’m fighting. I’m trying. Slowly, I am getting stronger.

And I can look in my mirror and realize that I’m alive and she isn’t, and that doesn’t make sense yet, but hopefully it will soon.

Do you know who you are…..?

One response

  1. Death doesn’t ever make sense. But, it is a part of life — can’t have one without the other. Sorry for your loss, but glad to hear you’re fighting back. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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