I have self soothing tics. I think we all do. I scratch my head as an anxiety reducer. I watch Grey’s over and over on Netflix. I color. I journal. And I blog. Just to get the noise out and hope that somebody else out there reads my words and finds themselves nodding along.
I always compare my blog to me as Alice, falling into another world. Trying to make sense out of things that seem rather nonsensical. And hopefully connecting to friends, family, and fellow chronic pain/illness sufferers/survivors. (The surviving and suffering line gets a little blurry sometimes.)
But right now I feel like I’m just falling and falling and less and less makes sense.
It started back in November, so (as I’ve said in previous writings) I thought (hoped?) I had no where to go but up as we rolled through the end of 2015 and into 2016. Ha. yeah. Don’t do that.
I’m not saying don’t hope or don’t try or don’t fight back when the world knocks you on your ass. I’m just saying don’t believe that you can’t get any further down. There’s always the ability to rise, and there is always the ability to keep falling. There’s room to fall further and fuck up more.
I usually bounce back pretty well. I have a tendency to dive right into grief and swim around and really let it consume me, but the benefit of that is that when I’ve made through, I’m done. I don’t wallow, I move forward once I’ve gone through grieving.
Loss after loss, death after death, I tell my kids that energy is never really gone. Our pets, or loved ones, our favorite actors (I’m still not completely over Robin Williams’s death), the people that impact our lives….they’re never really gone. Right?
But right now I am just falling and falling. Nothing makes sense. I’m in a very dark place. And it hurts so much, all the time. I’m not talking about physical pain (although grief and fear, anger, distress….all translate into measurable physical pain.), I mean I hurt so much right now that I can barely breathe or think.
I sleep a lot, I’m nauseous all the time, my hands shake (cups w/lids are my lifeline), I drop things, I have trouble swallowing. My husband says I have a lot of nightmares. And I hurt. My heart, my mind, my soul. I hurt.
I got hit with a lot recently and I’m just having a helleva time trying to get back up.
I’m in a dark place. And there’s a lot of pain.
I keep telling myself this. But right now, I’m in the dark and there’s a lot of pain. I’m surviving.
But sometimes just barely.