Little Orange Cones

“You know your love life has always been a disaster area, they oughta have those big orange cones all around ya.”- Hope Floats

Okay, well…it’s not my love life, but I’m pretty sure I should have little orange cones around my life right now.

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Everything is just such a mess. Nobody’s talking to anybody, my husband lost his job, and us landing back on our feet might mean turning everything upside down and moving back to Maine. Which, admittedly, is not the worst thing that could happen, but we just bought a house a year ago and we’ve moved 7 times in the last 8 years, and we were trying really hard to create some kind of stability and predictability.

Callie(starts to cry):¬†Everything in my life is always a disaster, I really don’t want this to be a disaster, I don’t even want to move or breathe, I don’t wanna do nothing, I don’t– What if I do something and it messes this baby up? ~ Grey’s Anatomy, S7;E13

My life feels like a natural disaster right now. Everything is sideways. Everything that was last year now isn’t, and everything that wasn’t now…is….or something. I feel like Alice falling through space.

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My son is transitioning into his own life and he’s at that age and stage that means he needs to separate himself from his family and create the adult version of himself. Which means he’s not really talking to me right now.

My best friend and I ended up having a disagreement that I didn’t really realize was a disagreement until she didn’t call for well over a month, and the silence was deafening. But now she has called and I haven’t been able to talk to her, and basically I have no idea what to do right now.

It is an incredibly rare thing for me to hit a situation that leaves me not knowing what to do, or say, or think. But everything is hitting all at once and I can’t breathe, or think, or sleep, or eat. My hands shake, my fingers turn blue, I’m nauseated all the time, and I really need to call my neurologist because I’m having trouble swallowing. Which is likely related to my brain tumor.

They believe it’s benign, but it’s inoperable and pressing on the trigeminal nerve and one of the branches of that nerve is related to swallowing.

alice-down-the-rabbithole

 

I’m stuck between not being nearly as stoic and strong as I’d like to be, and knowing the last time I had a bunch of stuff in my life fall apart, the being stoic thing made me want to jump off the nearest bridge. Because of that, I keep reminding myself that I need to be true to who I am, so I never make that mistake again.

All I do know right now is I need some little orange cones. And I’m pretty sure I know how Alice felt as she fell, and fell, and fell through space.

2 responses

  1. sometimes life sucks, and that’s alright to admit. We love you!!! and remember orange cones can be a complete pain in the ass, and take us completely out of the way, but they where put there to direct you to a safer, better place.

    Like

    1. Thank you Danny! That means a lot and you’re very right. I’ve landed on my feet before and I will again. Love & miss you guys!!

      Like

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