What I Meant to Say…

I usually have blog rolling around in my head for a couple of days before I get around to typing them out and bothering to hit ‘publish’. I dunno why. I call myself a writer, but it takes me forever to actually write anything. Sometimes it’s because I’m trying to figure out the last piece (See Rebel Soul), sometimes it’s just because life is getting in the way, and sometimes it’s just because I’m trying to figure out something to actually bother publishing.

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I was putting together a blog yesterday and everythinginmyhouse all happened at once so I hit publish and figured I’d edit and/or write a new blog today. Turns out it’s gonna be an additional blog.

Most of the time it begins with a journal entry. Even if I’m not blogging, I try to get some of the noise out of my head by writing it down. I have boxes of journals stored away (the running joke is that when I finally die, hubs can dig all those out and realize how f*cking crazy I really was).

So I went upstairs and dug out my latest journal because that’s the newest noise in my head. It’s a week’s worth of crap and it wanders all over the place because it started with me rage-writing after hubs’s boss “let him go” (I do so love euphemisms…../s). I wrote about the five stages of grief and how it wasn’t surprising that hubs would hang out in disbelief or denial and I headed straight for pissed the FUCK OFF! This is how we grieve for life, loss, change. We are who we are.

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I turn blue when I’m stressed. good stuff. 

“You would think I’d learn. Rage = flare. Stress = flare. Rage + stress x walking all over hell = flare, sore, pain. Migraine. Pain. Lots and lots of pain. ”

I’m a Scorpio. We replace helpless feelings like fear with something that feels a lot more like control like pissed off. Now it’s just focusing on landing on our feet and moving on to the next thing.

Then the next few entries wander into thoughts of blogging about the “girl rules” and social media rules and how someone can stop talking to you in real life, but they don’t “unfriend” you because then they look like an ass and everything is out there and “High school never ends. I swear.”.

I wonder if it’s better to be authentically pissed and physically pay for it, or if we should follow the rules and be more stoic. My own history tells me I need to live truer to me, to who I am, even if it means disregarding the “rules”. It keeps me from wanting to jump off the nearest bridge.

Anywho, back to the point about yesterday’s post….I was just trying to make sense of time and loss. I’m not a stupid person, but I just feel so small and confused when I see terror and tragedy strike. Life begins and ends in just a day.

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I meant what I said. Don’t leave things unsaid. Forgive. Connect. You don’t have to see something horrible happen or be chronically ill to know that (but it certainly brings it to the forefront of your mind).

That being said, and as I’ve written about in my journal, sometimes it’s okay to let someone walk away. I have regrets and times that I wish I’d had one more chance to say something to someone. But the best thing I can do is learn from those regrets, strive to do better, and try to model better for my kids. I can appreciate that life is precious, and know that I need to forgive grudges, all while knowing it’s okay to let a toxic person walk away.

Thoughts? Comments? Talk to me!

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