I’m a writer. We all have words we use to define ourselves, so if you ask me I would say I’m a writer, an only child, a mom, and a wife. I write almost every day. Sometimes on my blog, sometimes in my journal, sometimes in the journal I write out song lyrics and poems in and create word art out of said words, lyrics, and poems. Sometimes in all three. I have journals all over the house. I write to work on my book. I write to share experiences with other chronically ill people or share my experiences of living with a brain tumor. I write to figure out the noise in my head. The point is I write. A lot.
The past few months (six? ish?) I keep writing the word villain in my journals.
I do that when I’m trying to work through something. I’ll write it over and over in a lot of different ways. I define it. I write journal entries about it. I make word art out of it.
I refer to song lyrics or movie lines. Just call me Maleficent, because I make a fabulous villain. (But things are not always what they seem.)
I keep chewing on the word. I’ve defined it, wrote out song lyrics, movie lines, and even referred to my favorite movie villain. I keep trying to figure it out. I do make a truly awesome villain in some people’s stories. My ex-husband, ex-friends, ex-lovers, ex-mother-in-laws, current mother-in-law, and even some current acquaintances that keep me around because I make a fun topic and a good bad guy. I’m raw, and real, and difficultly honest.
There’s a saying along the lines of “If you’ve pissed people off or made enemies, that’s a good thing because it means you’ve stood up for something”. I guess I’ve stood up for plenty of things because I’ve pissed off plenty of people. Like I said, I’m raw and real, and that seems to be a hard thing to take.
As you can see, there are a lot of entries, doodles, and contemplations of the word villain and how it may or may not refer to me. This is me working through a word, a thought, an idea, the noise in my head.
I’ve been writing this blog in my head for the last three days, but yesterday the final piece clicked into place.
I was driving over to the store, listening to the radio, and a song came on. Five Finger Death Punch covered Bad Company’s “Bad Company”. (And they did a really good job, I think!)
Those words stood out.
The last piece for my blog clicked into place. And (more importantly), the last piece for me to figure this out.
You can call me a villain, because the truth is I am a rebel soul. I finally got it.
I live a lot of my life on my own terms.
“…I deal with my problems at my own pace
With your screwed-down, anti-human views
Deal with the pressures by playing the blues
If you wanna live life on your own terms
You gotta be willing to crash and burn…”
~ Motley Crue, Primal Scream
Villain. Rebel soul. Either way, I found my way through the word. Use which ever one you like.