I had a first today. Or rather, I had a first when it comes to life with a brain tumor.
There has been A LOT going on in my life. Hubs had a thing with his boss at work, my son has a thing in his professional life, and my oldest daughter is having a thing in her personal life. We’ll just leave it at that because this is my blog, and it’s not my place to put all their business out there. But what happens to them, happens to me because I take it all very personally. Those are my babies, my family, my life, and my breath. You eff with them, you eff with me. I’d step in front of a bullet for any or all of them.
That being established, me being as distraught, stressed, overwhelmed by all of this and my protective nature kicks in and I am pissed off. There are people in the world that baffle me. I don’t understand selfish, hateful, hurtful behavior for the sake of selfish…well, you get it. And I always feel so naive and simple when I don’t understand the hateful behaviors of others. I’m not a stupid or protected girl. I have lived in places and seen things. But the lashing out to hurt someone for no discernible reason? I don’t get it. Usually I chuck it into the “I’m an only child” pile. But this week I have seen hateful behavior from someone that truly defies an explanation. Anger and hate for the sake of …..what? being a bigger bitch than…..who?
I was so overwhelmed by my own anger and my response to this situation and this person that I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I fed my kitties their lunch, and as I attempted to step back from the last couple of days and stood there watching them eat, I had a thought…..”I’m going down….”. Am I going to pass out? Have a seizure? Wait….no. But I’m calling brain tumor on this one.
“I’m calling brain tumor.”
Meaning that this is too hard and it hurts too much and it’s affecting me trying to survive a body that is apparently hell bent on trying to frickin kill me.
The cats finished their lunch. I wandered over into the living room and settled myself in the middle of the floor. I need to breathe. I needed just a few minutes to meditate.
Breathe. What do you feel? My heart is pounding. My chest hurts near my sternum. My torso moves back and forth with each heartbeat. I’m don’t feel good. What doesn’t feel good? My eyes hurt. My fingers are turning blue, I can feel it. (They do that when I’m cold/stressed/in pain.) I don’t feel strong enough to keep being as angry as I am.
Breathe. Let go. Meditate.This is not yours to own.
Take a few minutes. Breathe. Let the meds kick in. Protect your loved ones, but remember you’re not the only one doing that.
Breathe. Let go. I’m calling brain tumor.
That means it’s time to let go of the stress.