Down, Down, Down the Rabbit Hole

I’m sure, by now, Gentle Reader that you’ve noticed the many comparisons of Xun’s world to Wonderland. Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorite stories, but I think I also cling to Wonderland because I’ve found so many instances in the last few years that really do feel like I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole.

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And in some cases, I may not have considered how I was going to climb back out before I dove into that particular portal to another reality.

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In the science community there’s an “infinite realms” theory. In simple terms it just means that an unknown number of universes, realms, realities all coexist at the same time. An easy example of that is found if you watch Once Upon A Time (ABC, Sunday nights). The Enchanted Forest, Never Never Land, Oz, Wonderland, Arendelle, our world here on Earth in present time, and many, many more worlds all exist separately but concurrently.

To me that seems like the best explanation of how one might find herself falling through a portal, a rabbit hole, or a door to an alternate reality. Even if that particular door didn’t exactly look like a rabbit hole at the time that one particular girl might have fallen through it.

So now that we’ve identified said rabbit hole and noticed that I have indeed fallen through it, what do I do?

Every decision one makes leads them down a different path, creates a fork in the road. Yes, exactly like those “choose your own adventure” books. But what if one should find herself falling through the rabbit hole unexpectedly? Losing a child left me falling through space. Just as the adventures in hip surgery and insane infections have done. But I found my way through those and returned from those worlds (mostly). This journey is really more like falling and falling and falling through the rabbit hole.

Every day I find something new, and so I’m coming to realize that this isn’t my normal trip over life, figure out the thing, and get back up. This is a whole different world.

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Learning to live with an inoperable, incurable brain tumor is a lot like trying to find your way through Wonderland. The things that did make sense no longer do, and the things that don’t make sense become a part of your reality on a daily basis. And those are the things that start to make sense.

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What is, isn’t. And what should be is not. But what should not be, is. You see?

I’m finding that I’m having a harder time remembering things. I think some of my hair is falling out. Not in shave-my-head amounts. But enough that I’m wondering if the amount of hair in my brush is normal daily shedding (I have a lot of hair. All the women in my family do. And we all shed quite a bit every day no matter what.) So I’m considering the fact that I always have a lot of hair to clean out of my brush when I’m done brushing my hair. And that I have an auto-immune thyroid disorder that can lead to some hair loss if my TSH and T4 levels get thrown off. And I had some pretty crazy levels of radiation. In my brain. So, is some of my hair falling out? Probably, but if that were the only thing, I’d let it go.

But cleaning hair out of my brush isn’t the only thing lately that has me looking around and wondering how far down the hole I’ve fallen this time.

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I forget things. A lot of things. And I know that I still have a brain tumor, and that I am only 7 weeks or so post-treatment, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to need adult supervision. I’m trying to hold on to my independence and I don’t want to lose the ability to get in my car and go run errands or go somewhere if I want to. I just don’t want to forget where I’m going, where I am, or how to get home.

I had labs run a couple of weeks ago when I ended up in the ER for a migraine and they showed low potassium, some low levels that indicate my immune system has been weakened by the radiation, and a few other numbers that caused the doctor to make that face. You know the one I’m talking about….the “hmmm, my patient has a serious thing”/worried doctor face. They don’t make that face often.

Each thing I’m finding, not really that big of a deal by themselves, but it’s the collection of things that’s starting to worry me. A little bit of hair loss? Yeah, I did have radiation. Forgetting things? Every body does that occasionally. I just don’t want to see it progress. Side effects from the radiation I can do, but I’m hoping to shoo off any brain damage and/or ….say… early onset Alzheimer’s. Aphasia from absence seizures? (Fancy was of saying I can find the word I want to finish my sentence because my brain has a *lag spike.) Not my favorite thing. I’m a writer. I need words.

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I just have a lot of things I don’t recognize popping up in my day to day and I’m a little scared. But that’s not something that’s easy to say. And as I replay the words over and over in my head “I have 3 kids and a husband that need me. I just bought a house for the first time. I’ve waited a long time to do that. My youngest is not grown yet. I’m an only child and my mother lost her husband just 2 years ago. If something happens to me, she will not be okay….” it reminds me that I have to fight. And I will. But I’m scared.

Lightning Bolts

It would just be really nice if I could see a little bit of the light at the end of all this insanity.

* ~ gamer reference. And if you got that, yay for you!!

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