You Couldn’t Be There….

….so you left me alone. What Dreams May Come

I’m sitting at my desk this morning trying to find the words, thinking if I can write it all out, the words won’t threaten “the life they belong to”.

breathejustbreatheMy world is smaller and dimmer this morning. My heart is hurting. Tears sting my eyes unexpectedly. I’m heartbroken and grief stricken. I’m never more than just the wrong word from collapsing into tears. And I have cried so many in the last 12 hours.

I’m sitting on my couch last night after dinner, watching tv, and I pick up my phone to check Facebook, and the news of Robin Williams’s death had just broken. “No….NO!”, I’m thinking. Scrolling down and it’s on every page, every news outlet is carrying the story. “This isn’t a joke or a hoax.” It hits me like a punch in the chest. My eyes well up and I bolt for my bedroom. Sobbing, devastated.

No, I didn’t know him. But he’s been with me almost my whole life. I remember his first appearance on Happy Days which spun off into Mork & Mindy (which I watched faithfully). I know every movie, every television show. And all those things you didn’t know About Robin Williams, I knew. His brilliance, his comedic genius, saved me when I couldn’t breathe. The lines in his movies gave me words when I had none. To me he was a hero, an icon, and one of my very favorite people.

My heart is breaking and my world just isn’t as bright today. And all I can think is I hope, Mr. Williams….Robin….that you’ll see my baby girl and make her laugh. I hope you’re in the same Heaven my Dad is.

There’s a scene in Good Morning Vietnam that Robin’s character plays What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong and as the music fades out and Louis finishes with….”oh…..yeahhhhhhh”, Robin sings along and you can see that he truly believes it is a wonderful world, even as he broadcasts in the middle of a war zone. That song was what I danced with my Dad to at my wedding and since his death 2 years ago, it always brings tears to my eyes. Now it will because I think it fits Robin Williams’s life as well.

Depression is a lying bastard. I’m so sorry that he couldn’t find his way out of the darkness. The funny man that could make so many others laugh was hurting inside. Unfair. Heartbreaking.

The world will never be the same. But I will look up at the stars. I will look for you….

 

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Zelda Williams

3 responses

  1. […] brain tumor, my son returned from deployment, and the framing for our house started. And one of my heroes died. And we went to a really awesome concert! It feels like Summer flew […]

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  2. […] step-dad committed suicide. I fell apart when Robin Williams committed suicide last year. ( Long story, no, I didn’t know him.) An old friend died of a sudden heart attack 3 years ago. My last […]

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  3. […] really gone. Our pets, or loved ones, our favorite actors (I’m still not completely over Robin Williams’s death), the people that impact our lives….they’re never really gone. […]

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