Ripples

We get taught that one grain of rice can tip the scales, that one person can make a difference, but if you’re like me you’ve thought to yourself “But I am just one person. How does that matter in a world of 7 billion people?”. So, how can one person really make a difference?

Think about it….how many people do you have in your life? Your kids, friends, family, your spouse… In thirty-something years on the planet, I have people who are still in my life that arrived into it at various stages of said life. I have people that have known me since childhood, people I met in high school. Friends from my early twenties. My three kids and my husband. My ex-husband and his family that still stays in touch with me. My birth family (my mother, my MIA father, my grandmother, my uncle, my cousin). If I die tomorrow, every one of those people would be impacted somehow. It might be just the sad news of my passing and maybe a few minutes to think of a couple of memories. Or for the people closer to me, my husband and kids especially, it would impact them a great deal. Those are my ripples.

I can only hope that my ripples have left the people inside of them better for ever having had me in their lives. I hope that I have taught my people good things and that I have been worth the journey in their lives. But either way, I have left ripples. Or if the person has been a negative enough influence in your life, you might think of it more as shock waves.

I have learned in the last year and a half that certain people (read: my mother ) have done a lot more damage than I thought they ever would have. Or could have. And it has left shock waves. I came into some more info recently that just really sat me down. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I heard about all of the horrible things my mother really thinks of me. I thought that these were just things she might have hurled at me in a moment of anger, but no….they were all true, at least in her mind.

And MAN, did that hurt. I realized that she really didn’t know me at all. She has accused me of everything I have ever really been afraid of. She hit me where I live and has told a lot of people that I’m a really terrible mother. If you know me, darling readers, you know that if nothing else about me is ever true, this is: I have been a mother longer now than I haven’t. That’s the one big,great thing I have done with my life is become somebody’s mom. My kids are everything to me. I’m home schooling my youngest not because it’s the easy way to go, but because I truly believe that it’s the best thing I could do for her.

It caused me to doubt everything because she knew just enough to hit me where it would hurt the most. I couldn’t think and I couldn’t breathe. I saw that scared little girl that I knew so well.

 

But then something happened today. I was processing all of this and trying to find my way out. Because when someone hurts you, you can’t just stay in that place. Sometimes it might take you a little longer to work through the pain, and that’s all right. Just as long as you move forward. And as I was processing I stood there looking in the mirror at the eyes of a hurt, scared little girl. And I realized that I am closer to 40 than to that little girl. I’ve done a lot of work to be the person I am today.

“I am almost 40 years old! I am not a scared little girl anymore. I’m not afraid of you anymore. You can’t hurt me any more. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!”

And Xunnie, being the existentialist Xunnie, realized that you affect everyone you meet. Even if it’s just a little bit. How often has someone turned your day around just by holding the door for you or smiling at you when you’re having a really bad day? I know that I have been the greatest influence on my husband. He would be a totally different person if we had never met. And so would I because he’s done the same for me.

Mind your ripples, and may you always be blessed with gentle ripples from other people.

Thoughts? Comments? Talk to me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: