It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Hell, it’s been a rough couple of years. 2011 did its very best to kick my ass, but somehow I kept going. I’ve been through so many surgeries and scary tests. Last year alone I was under some form of anesthesia 11 times. ELEVEN times.
I just had my second set of shots in C6 this last Tuesday. The first set (about a month ago) were epidural steroid injections. Meant to inject steroid and pain relievers into the epidural space in my spinal column. This last set was meant to inject steroid and anesthetic in the facet joints at C6, or to most people ….that spot at the bottom of your neck, just about where the bumpy vertebrae is. The doc injects into my spine on both sides and I’m supposed to be sedated, but I wasn’t really. Wrong drugs or not enough, but I was awake this time, and it frickin hurt.
Fast forward 3 days and now I have yet another infection and I end up in my primary care doc’s office (herefore known as my PCM) to get antibiotics today. On top of that, I got told today that I was “severely dehydrated” and fussed at by the nurse to drink more water. Not so dehydrated that it was admit me and stick another IV in me, but dehydrated none the less.
I bawled all the way off base. (Probably not the best thing to do if I’m already dehydrated but oh well.) I was just so tired of fighting with a body that clearly hates me. It’s been one thing after another for the last 10 years. And I’m never going to get “better”. I have a chronic, severe, progressive, degenerative (is that enough adjectives?) disease that will end in my death. I’m one more bad case of pneumonia from being dead at any time. And I have shit for an immune system. I was just so overwhelmed and tired of fighting with it *all* *the* *damn* *time*.
I cried as I drove off the base (between that and the days that I’m car dancing, it’s great fun to be next to me in traffic) and though to myself “what’s the point of fighting all this?”. I fight every day. In between raising 3 kids and being married to the Navy, I fight with my own body, every single day. Once in a while it gets a good shot in, but I win on a lot of the days.
But sometimes it’s just really hard and I get whiny (yes, like now) and overwhelmed and once in a great while, I feel like giving up.
But as luck would have it….
In case you haven’t seen the movie (and without giving it away in case you do want to see it), it’s about a guy struggling to put the pieces back together and raise his kids after his wife gets sick (we assume cancer in the movie) and dies.
It really put a few things into perspective for me, not the least of which is how my family will put themselves back together when I do go. Understanding that gave me the courage to fight for one more day.
Because, really, when you think about it all you need is a little bit of courage sometimes. Just enough to get you through that moment.
I watch people around me struggling with their own demons. But I’m telling you….just be brave for 20 seconds. Crazy, insane, hopelessly brave for just those few seconds when you really, really need it. And watch what happens.