10 Years Later

Xunnie’s been going through a lot this year.The doctors have re-opened all of my tests and so I have a lot of people poking and prodding at me these days. My baby girl moved away, grew up on me, and decided to get married. We’ve moved around and had to deal with people that don’t make any sense. And my parents have now each individually and for their own reasons walked away from me.

I haven’t talked to my mother in eight months. I cried all the way home from my hematologist’s office after my appointment yesterday. I cried out of frustration and out of inconclusive test results, and out of the kindness he showed me, and I cried because I want my mom. I want my daddy. I want somebody to hold me and tell me that it’ll be okay and they love me.

I have a wonderful husband who does just that, and I have these amazing people in my life that I am lucky enough to call my friends. They are kind and relate to all these different parts of my life and they are some of the best people I have ever met in my entire life. I have great friends. And I have fantastic little people in my life. My kids have turned out to be these smart, compassionate, empathetic people who love their mommy so much. I have a great little kitty even. My Phoebe girl is the sweetest and most patient cat I have ever seen. Sara puts her through everything but actually putting doll clothes on her and shoving her around in a shopping cart. And she never scratches. She’s sweet and funny and I’m so lucky that I rescued her.

The funniest thing my kitty has ever done was: on the final night of induction my husband was gone all night for Navy events, and so I was home alone. She came to sleep on my bed with me and brought her teddy bear with her. I collect bears and have about 85 teddy bears and my Phoebe chose one as her own and she drags it all over the house and wrestles with it. Well, she came to sleep with me because daddy wasn’t home (side note: she sleeps with me about half of the time….with and without daddy home) and this time she brought her teddy bear.

I have people in my life that are really great and love me so much, and I love them totally and completely and with my whole heart, and I even get to have Ging, who would do anything to protect me. But I miss having my mom. And I miss being able to have a daddy. And I wish I was in a place and that they were in a place that we could all figure out enough to try to be family again. Not my mother and father for each other , but each of them for me. I don’t know if my mother and I will ever be there again, and I know my daddy won’t be. But it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a little girl inside of me that misses them.

This year has been especially¬†poignant because it’s been 10 years since I started going through all of this. Ten years ago I lost Angie, my baby girl who was born too soon. Ten years since I started having symptoms that didn’t add up. Ten years that I have been hurting and slowly losing my abilities. I take it out in my crocheting now, and my cooking that I’m so proud of. I take out the ability to run, or dance in the ability to create now. I am learning how to crochet. I am learning how to be an even better cook. And I am writing.

So take a little bit of time to light a candle, or send up a prayer, or meditate on some positive energy, or send out a little bit of hope for the people that you love and for the people on your Facebook pages. I mean, that’s what we’re all here for, right? Love each other.

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

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