time and circles and whatever’s in my head

I either don’t write for sometimes months at a time, or I am constantly writing, mostly in my head. Example: I’m standing in the shower today thinking of some real life issues that need addressing and somehow I start thinking of the bigger picture.

Things like; at one point in time, I thought my ex-husband was it. THAT was were I was supposed to be. But then I wasn’t. Now I am sure that my purpose in life is to give my husband my time and teach him the things that he doesn’t understand. Poor Mr. straight-and-narrow ended up married to me. He married a girl that just had one little tattoo on her arm from when she was 20 and she was a country girl. I’ve tried to be a country girl, a mid-western girl, and a west coast girl, but none of them ever worked for me.

Now the poor guy, the one who lives in a world where there are rules and SOPs (standards of procedure) and lines in the sand, is married to me. Somebody who these days has 4 or 5 tattoos and is planning to get more soon, has her nose pierced, and her hair is never the same length or color from year to year. I embody the tortured writer’s soul occasionally. I ask him all the time what the hell he is doing with me. But somehow it works.

We got into an argument recently (married people argue?? who knew??) and I opened my heart and my mind and asked for guidance. I’m a Buddhist, so I asked the universe, the karma gods, and Buddha what am I supposed to do right now? The answer came to me as I meditated. Love is always the answer. Love the people you have in your life. Teach them and be open to their teachings for you.

I have spent my whole life saying “I want to go home…..I just don’t know where it is”. This gypsy soul has searched through the west coast, Hawaii, the south, and the Midwest for some place that felt like home, (see above) and it was only a few years ago when I ended up in a place I’d never thought to go. I got to Maine through a series of crazy unforeseen steps. I originally ended back up in Michigan and now I realize that I was there for a completely different reason that I thought. I was where I needed to be for my hip surgery, and then it was time for me to move on. I got to Maine and something in my soul whispered ‘you’re home’ .

My point is you never know if you’re at some point in your life for your own reason, is this the important stuff, or other, bigger reasons that you don’t know yet. Some times you just have to close your eyes and wait for the answers. No matter what faith you have, they will come to you.

I am currently stationed back in Maryland on my husband’s last tour in the Navy and although I wasn’t thrilled to be here, and living out in the middle of no where presents some challenges. I am here because finally after all these years, I am really getting some where with my doctors, and I believe when we leave here in two years (because right now, I just can’t see retiring here) I will have a diagnosis. Finally a firm diagnosis and an understanding of what’s wrong with me and a treatment plan. So I hold onto that. My hubs is here to network with the people he needs to talk to as he nears retiring from active duty and I am here for some answers.

Like I said, you just never know if it’s your own reasons that bring you to a place or if there is a bigger plan. The important stuff never shows up in your best clothes or scheduled celebrations. It creeps up on you in the ordinary day to day life, in the moments when you’re not looking, and then….suddenly…..you get it.

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

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