Learning to be still through the pain
I wish I felt strong enough to handle what’s coming, but after yesterday I just feel small, and weak, and scared. I struggled through another god awful migraine/ just-kill-me-now day yesterday, and I scheduled my next procedure and had my pain specialist change my meds.
I woke up yesterday with a headache, which is never a good sign. I’ve had migraines all my life (which must have made me a fun child to raise), so I’ve learned to be very,very still and escape from the pain. But it doesn’t always work, if the pain comes in waves, sometimes I just can’t help but to roll over and groan at the peak of the wave, but god knows I try to just be very still and escape into my head. Everybody has a place that they think of, that they escape to, when they are in pain or feeling sick, or whatever. Sometimes, it’s imagining laying on the beach in the warm summer sun. You might try to think of the smell of the ocean and of the suntan lotion, the warmth on your body, and the gritty texture of the sand beneath you as you attempt to leave the pain behind.
Yesterday, I had “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor stuck in my head, so I kept thinking of the lyrics of the song. I imagined myself sitting in my mom’s house in Hawaii with my daughter because I miss her so much. I thought about being somewhere else, anywhere else, because the pain was more than I could take. I concentrated on being very still, not moving at all, just breathing, as I escaped into my head, away from the hurt my body was struggling with. It’s not an easy thing to do, and I sure have not mastered it yet. But I try, and I escape when I am in pain, or when I’m scared…or when I’m in the middle of a procedure that scares the hell out of me.
I scheduled the next step in handling the pain in my neck. It seems I have Facet Syndrome and the joints in the spine in the neck (specifically C6 and C7) are deteriorating and that’s what’s causing me pain. The solution to that is burning the nerves in those joints, or what’s called a Rhizotomy. I’ve been with a friend of mine as she went through the procedure, and now that I’m facing it in my neck, it’s really scary. But, Ging and I just tell ourselves that if we can get to the other side of that 30 minutes, it will be okay. Sometimes, you just have to concentrate on getting to the other side.
I also had my meds changed from Percocet to Morphine. Apparently, there’s some kind of barrier when it comes to pain meds and docs put you off and put you off, and then finally….they realize that you have something really wrong, and pow…pain meds. It’s a hell of a process to be on pain meds in America these days…at least legitimately. But they finally give me what I need, and I comply with all the bullshit that goes along with it.
So, be still my Spoonies, when the pain comes. Imagine the beaches in Hawaii. Escape to where you are safe and calm.