Hope & Other (occasionally non-existent) Things
I am so tired of being sick, and exhausted, and nauseated, and in pain that I just want to give up sometimes. What do you do, my darling spoonies, when you’re at your lowest? What keeps you going?
I can’t believe how awful I feel today. Part of it is due to my darling Aunt Flo’s visit (every 23 days…dammit) and how I invariably feel like total crap the day before she decides to drop by. Headache, exhaustion….how fun it is to be a girl, right? Part of it is that this move has not been kind to me physically.
I went to the doc yesterday for the first time here in Maryland, and I actually found a doctor that was kind and compassionate. I was describing how my symptoms have ramped up in the last week or so and on the bad days I feel “like somebody pushed me down the stairs” and she actually responded with “your body feels bruised all over?”. Fibro patients don’t hear that much from docs, and I have never had a doctor “get” it like that.
Sooo…..said compassionate doc refilled and upped my pain meds, gave me a bucket of Zofran (the nausea meds they give to chemo patients) for my nausea from the pain, put in an urgent referral to a pain specialist, and is sending me to another neurologist to look specifically for MS. So, Xunnie With Fibro may become Xunnie With MS because the possibility that this is really MS is really there. Whatever is wrong with me is progressing, and Fibro doesn’t progress. And just like I told my d.h., it’s more common to be diagnosed with Fibro before being diagnosed with MS than it is to have Fibro and have the oxygen issues that I do.
On the positive side (I’m really trying to be positive, I need something to keep me going right now), the best part of my week is that my d.h. got the hot tub all cleaned up and ready to go, and I went and sat in it the other day when I was really feeling cruddy and it was just a spot of paradise for me. I have all these beautiful oak and maple trees around my house, and as I sat in the hot tub in the rain, I just took in what a truly beautiful view surrounded me. It’s not Maine, but I’m thinking I could really be happy spending the rest of my life in Maryland.