Have To & Have To Wait
The thing about Fibro is learning that there are going to be some days that you look at something that needs to be done and know that in order to preserve yourself, it’s just going to have to wait. In the middle of a flare, life becomes : what *has* to be done?
I spent a long time building a life before I got sick. I’m 36 years old, I have a 17 year old daughter that lives with her father, a 16 year old boy who’s finishing his sophomore year, and a 7 year old little girl that I homeschool because the school wanted to label her with a language disability instead of a speech delay (that I’m proud to say is not much more than a Maine accent anymore). I also have a 10 year old doggy and my 10 month old rescued kitty….as well as my husband of 10 1/2 years and his career. I have a full life and I love it, but unfortunately I can’t hit the pause button on it when a flare hits.
Right now I’m in the middle of a flare with my lungs. My pain level isn’t too high all over, but it hurts to push out enough air to speak loud enough to be heard right now. This is the part that puts me in the 10% of Fibro patients that have issues with oxygen use, and I think it’s really hard on my d.h. because he worries about me getting pneumonia again. Nine years of smoking in my late teens and early twenties didn’t do me any favors, and my lungs are damaged. I’ve had bronchitis four times and pneumonia once, 9 weeks after my hip surgery. The membrane that transfers oxygen from the lung to the blood doesn’t work like it supposed to, and no one knows why.
So, today is one of those days that I have to be nice to myself and understand that some things are just going to have to wait to be done. They’re not going anywhere, and the things that I need to use my energy for are more important. I *had* to go to the store today. I *have* to make sure my little one gets her school work for the day done. I *have* to prepare meals and stay on top of my kids. The rest can wait, and I’ve learned as a stay-at-home homeschooling mom, that there is always something that needs to be cleaned, but it’s not going anywhere, and on the days that I’m feeling really good, I get a lot done.
I could even argue that it’s not much different from anyone else’s day. Some days you just look at something and decide it doesn’t have to be done right away, it can wait. I was always the kind of person that pushed myself, so learning to back off a little because of Fibro days hasn’t really been a bad thing for me. I’m learning to be nicer to myself, and I’m learning that not everything has to be perfect all the time. My house used to be spotless, but I’ve learned that a little messy and happy is better.