A Day in the Life…
Just Breathe by Pearl Jam. Courtesy of universalmusicitalia on YouTube.
I feel like I have shared a lot about the scientific part of Fibro and explained all the medical crap, but (as my d.h. has constructively pointed out) I haven’t really shared how it affects me. I started today’s post by sharing the video for the song that seems to calm me the most these days. Fibro is frustrating.
My d.h. told me he thought that the frustration I feel at forgetting things or not being able to do some things any more hasn’t really come out in my posts, so here goes. In my head, I see me at 17…strong, young, capable. I could do anything, and boy was I headstrong! I ran track and I wanted to be a professional dancer more than anything.
I had my older two kids very young…when I was 18 and 20. I took a lot of criticism for having kids that young, but in light of how my late twenties turned out, I’m really glad I did have them then. I could keep up with them, and the pregnancies were easier on a young body. I know now that it has cost me physically, but at those ages, I could pay the price. I couldn’t anymore.
I had my youngest at 29 and I went through hell to do it. It was absolutely worth it, but it was the pregnancy before her that triggered my Fibro (back to the debate…was it predestined or was it from the trauma?). So carrying and delivering my youngest was hard. I was sick throughout the pregnancy and my pelvis dislocated during the last month.
These days I deal with all the symptoms I have told you about, gentle readers, on a daily basis and I do get mad, and I get frustrated, and every once in a great while I feel sorry for myself because in my head I still see a strong, beautiful 17 year old. I pride myself on having a great mind and being able to keep a lot of balls in the air, so when I can’t find something or I can’t remember something I know I should know, I do get frustrated.
I know I am using a “frustrated” a lot. Thesaurus.com says synonyms include “discontented, defeated, discouraged…disheartened…hung up on…irked”. (thesaurus.com, 2010). Those are all true, and they all fit. It is disheartening to see you lose a part of yourself that you know used to be there.
I have good days too. Even on the high pain days, I find inner peace with my challenges sometimes…once in a while. I find ways to calm and collect myself that I might otherwise not have had cause to look for. I love the smell of Burt’s Bees Baby Bee Buttermilk lotion. I listen to music. I watch movies and get lost in the story lines. I game. I play World of Warcraft and escape into Azeroth where I’m a level 80 Shaman that can kick ass and keep my raid members alive. I find ways to escape the pain and cope.
Just like everyone else, I have good days and bad days, and even with my extra challenges I live a life that I will be okay with when I die. That’s all that really matters.